Tags
Craziness, Depression, Empathy, Internet Comments, Mental Health, mental illness, Misconceptions, Rape, Stereotypes
I have been cross-posting my writing on The Huffington Post Blog for a while, but until recently, no one had commented on any of my pieces. That changed last month, when The HP posted my story about rape. All of sudden, dozens of comments piled up at the bottom of this one essay.
Almost all of the responses were supportive and empathetic, and many people shared their own stories. Some commenters, however, used the space to express their belief that girls and women have a duty to protect themselves. They argued that “predators pray [sic] on easy targets,” and that there are certain situations “where even ‘no’ has no meaning.”
Unfortunately, these sorts of responses to rape are common, and they didn’t surprise me. What did catch me off-guard, though, was the possibility that my story might be rejected on the basis of my mental health. Several respondents seemed to find my story implausible or unreliable because they did not believe that a sane 15-year-old could have a psychiatrist. One commenter in particular felt so strongly about this detail that she responded to my post eight different times, repeatedly stressing that I must have a “serious mental illness.” As this woman described it, she read my story and just saw “crazy.” Apparently, she was convinced that either I had to be lying about having a psychiatrist or I had to be so mentally ill that no one less qualified than a psychiatrist could possibly treat me. From her perspective, both of these scenarios meant that my story must be filled with lies.
At first, I wanted to respond specifically to this woman’s false accusations and inaccurate assumptions. I also wanted to address the ridiculous notion that mental illness and insanity are somehow synonymous.
After I read through all of her comments, though, something unexpected and embarrassing happened instead. In thinking about this woman’s categorical assertion that people who are mentally ill are incapable of differentiating between truth and fiction, I found myself dismissing her as crazy.
I wish my mind had not made that mistake, but there it was. In a way, I had committed the same offense that she had. Her ideas did not align with mine, and her drive to discredit me made me feel vulnerable. So, in my attempt to comfort myself, I assumed that her mental health must be affecting her judgment. But of course having illogical or uninformed thoughts does not make someone crazy. We all tend to ignore the biased and fallible qualities in our thinking, especially when we feel strongly about something.
To me, “crazy” can mean many different things, and I have used the word in a variety of ways without thinking much about its longstanding, derogatory connotations. Words traditionally used in the context of mental illness have become so commonplace in our everyday speech that I barely notice them. Hysterical, insane, psycho, delirious, lunatic, mad, manic, depressed, and crazy are just some of the ones we regularly throw around. All of these words have been, and some still are, used to describe real and serious mental health conditions.
The spillover of language from one area to another might be something we should avoid. Or maybe this blending of worlds demonstrates the real ambiguity that exists in talking and thinking about mental health. We might like to reassure ourselves that we are very different from the “seriously crazy” people over there who cannot differentiate between reality and fantasy. Admittedly, “mental illness” as a general description is often fraught with associations and stigmatizations that are both unappealing and frightening. Still, while we may want to distance ourselves from “mental illness,” mental health is not some aberrant part of life that only crazy people need to worry about. Mental health, just like physical health, is something that we all must attend to, something that needs care and support everyday no matter who you are.
There is no sharp line that separates the mentally ill from the mentally healthy. All of us act in irrational ways; all of us have thoughts and feelings that don’t make sense; and all of us have experienced compromised or altered brain functioning. Many people living with a “serious mental illness” are perfectly sane and honest human beings, and some people without a MI diagnosis are irrational liars who are out of touch with reality. Just because certain neurons misfire or because specific biochemical levels in your body are low or high does not mean that all aspects of your mind are dysfunctional. If someone breaks her toe, she may be in a lot of pain and have a hard time walking, but to assume that this injury would automatically paralyze her makes no sense.
I freely admit that I have a “serious mental illness.” I have had depression my whole life. Among other things, this illness means that I started seeing a psychiatrist when I was a teenager; that I now take medication to try to stabilize my mood; that I often feel inadequate, useless, and like a no-good burden; that I can get overwhelmed at the prospect of facing people; that I rarely sleep well; that I sometimes cower with dread when confronted with everyday activities; and that, in my search for quiet and peace, I have occasionally tried to escape in self-destructive ways. But I can’t see how any of that has any impact on my ability to tell the truth or how that makes me “crazy.”
Before my piece about rape ran on The HP Blog, it never occurred to me that my mental health would cast doubt on the integrity of my story. Clearly, that view of the world was naïve. Perhaps my ignorant expectations of my potential audience was just as irrational as that woman’s view of mental illness. If someone like me, who should know better, is capable of even momentarily discounting a person’s argument based on a passing idea about her mental health, then I should not expect people who are less familiar with mental illness to behave any differently.
Even so, while I acknowledge that we all are susceptible to irrational biases, I still hope that people will begin to realize that the term “mental illness” covers a huge range of real and complex issues, and that the history of psychiatry and psychology contains many misconceptions and problematic associations that have unfairly stigmatized people for too long. I am not asking people to pretend that they don’t have doubts or questions about someone whose experience differs from theirs. Rather, I would like to suggest that people who feel confused or incredulous about something try to clarify their concerns by asking questions instead of making accusations.
I started this blog specifically to try to normalize and destigmatize mental illness. I hoped that, by openly and honestly sharing my feelings and personal experiences, people might see depression and anxiety a little differently. But, after reading the comments asserting that I am a crazy liar, I can’t help but wonder if I have made a really bad and maybe even crazy mistake.
Kathy Zaremba said:
Please do not stop sharing your thoughts. So many people have similar thoughts and experiences, but are unable to communicate as well as you can. Just knowing that these things are not only happening to you, somehow makes them more bearable. Knowing that you are out there will keep me feeling better about our world in general. So please, don’t stop. Thank you so much for what you do with your gifts.
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you so much for your kind encouragement. I really am grateful for sensitive and supportive readers like you who have gone out of their way to share their thoughts and experiences with me. I don’t plan on writing any less. I just have to figure out which things are worth sharing—given the benefits and the risks—and which things might be better (for me) left unsaid. I hope you will also continue to share your stories/feelings on this site when it suits you.
All the best,
Francesca
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mywaywise said:
The breadth of your work is little short of astounding. These things are bought with pain. The muse is a harsh mistress. Try Robert Graves’ “The White Goddess.” Are longa Vita brevis.
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Francesca Milliken said:
Wow. Thank you for such a wonderful response to my work.
Best,
Francesca
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Dounia said:
You did not make a mistake! You blog for you and there will always be people who don’t believe you and that’s perfectly fine because that woman doesn’t know you like your close friends/family know you.
Please don’t stop blogging. I really enjoy your educated posts a lot.
Much love
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you for the support. I am so glad you are still reading and enjoying my posts. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I wouldn’t write anymore. I just wanted to express my concern and to openly consider the effect of judgmental comments.
Take care,
Francesca
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Linda Popejoy said:
Francesca, you have done (and are still doing) what you set out to do. Unfortunately, not every reader will be able to fully understand or appreciate your message. That does not mean you have failed. Just as your commenters don’t truly know you, we don’t really know them either. Maybe your 8-comments commenter found your writing too real, based on her own experience, or maybe she just doesn’t want to believe that such things can happen. Or maybe she is just a jerk. Whatever the case may be, you are reaching a lot of people with your beautiful, poignant, and honest writing. You may even be reaching the naysayers.
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you, Linda. Your support of me and this blog have been invaluable. I realize that The Not Me is a fairly sheltered platform with readers who have mostly self-selected. The HP site is clearly a different environment. I guess I wasn’t entirely prepared for a more diverse audience. To be fair, though, most of the comments on The HP Blog involved formerly silenced people sharing their own stories, and, to my mind, that is always a good thing. I am genuinely grateful for those people and others like you who are willing to consider the complexity and sensitivity of these issues. Reaching the naysayers would be something. I don’t think I am there yet, but maybe there is still hope.
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elizabeth williams said:
There will always be insensitive/negative commentators whose words come from pain/fear/suffering. Don’t take it personally (easier said than done – I know – as someone working on not taking things personally). I admire your work.
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you, Elizabeth. I admire your work, too. I don’t think I took the comments personally, but I did question whether I wanted to share my work with a broader audience. If reaching more people means subjecting myself to and accepting a lot more criticism, I’m not sure I am cut out for that. I will probably still cross-post my writing on The HP Blog, but now I suppose I will have to consider what I choose more carefully.
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Peter Gowen (@petergowen) said:
There are always unintended consequences, pros/cons. Re-running the cost/benefit is a good idea, and maybe this recent experience changes things, but… For a lot of us that ID with some amount of depression, reading about others’ experiences can help. And one thing I’ve particularly enjoyed from your blog is the increasing ability to both think about and verbalize my experience. You’ve given me language I might not otherwise have had, or much less quickly. That’s not nothing.
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Francesca Milliken said:
I am grateful that you have continued reading this blog, and I really appreciate knowing that some of it has felt helpful to you. That definitely is “not nothing.” When I get to hear how the writing affects people positively, that gives me a huge incentive to keep trying. Thank you.
Take care,
Francesca
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Saralee Michaud said:
Francesca,
Your blogs are courageous and important. You show people that they are not alone in their struggles, in their pain and hopelessness. This past week, at my son’s freshmen class at MIT lost two classmates to suicide. These two brilliant students could not find their way out of the darkness. People with mental illnesses need to hear they are the the only ones. They need to find a way to seek help. Your blogs do that. Hopefully, writing the blog gives you some peace in the moments when you need it the most. I believe it does reach others. Please continue to share.
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you, Saralee. I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s classmates. Suicide kills far too many people. And yet, you’re right that the only way we as a society will get better at saving those lives is by talking about and confronting mental illness more openly. I’m sure I will keep sharing somehow. I’m not particularly good at blocking out harsh criticism (whether it’s apt or not), but maybe this is a chance for me to get better at that.
Best,
Francesca
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Anna Maria Berni said:
So cosa significa depressione, ne ha sofferto e ne soffre una persona a me cara. Sono dell’idea che dovremmo comprenderle queste persone e parlare, parlare senza riempirle di psicofarmaci. “Igiene mentale”, che cos’è? Chi ha stabilito qual è la normalità? Ognuno di noi ha delle stranezze dovremmo guardare bene dentro di noi e non permetterci di giudicare.
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Be quiet said:
After reading all the other comments I felt that, today, more than ever, I needed to right something as well: if I’m not mistaken, we’ve started our blogs around the same time, for very close reasons. I have told you this before, and I’ll say it again: your words have soothed me and empowered me, not only as a person “with problems” or as a woman (which would already be enough), but as a human being; as a whole.
Facing/accepting your own weaknesses is not an easy task; we should know, since we do that with all our texts. But this gives us strenght, in our own pace.
Maybe that person is not in this level yet; hopefully one day she will be, and will understand what you meant.
Meanwhike, please, keep writing.
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Francesca Milliken said:
I haven’t given up on writing, yet. The sharing of the work and the writing of it are two separate things, though. I just need to figure out what I feel safe sharing, given that the responses will always be varied and unpredictable and sometimes really harsh. Whatever happens, I truly appreciate all your kindness and support in response to this post and many others. I’m glad that you also have found that the process of writing is helpful and soothing to you.
All the best,
Francesca
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namitasunder said:
your posts make me understand better some people around me. I value your sharing the experiences,emotions.
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Francesca Milliken said:
I really appreciate your support. Thank you.
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jcmindset said:
Please continue to share your views. It looks like we all need them. Thanks for sharing:)
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you for reading and commenting. The encouragement is helpful to hear.
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Kate Bowles said:
I think we just have to accept that there’s a wide range of responses to what we write in public. It’s not feedback on who we are; mostly it’s other people doing their own writing in comment form, thinking through their own stuff. Sometimes this takes a form that is really dismaying, and that just is what it is.
I’m currently participating in a campaign in Australia that has had an overwhelmingly supportive and compassionate response, but the minority views are just so awful that they seem to stand taller than the rest. I’ve learned that it’s important to step back and consider the perspective from which I allowed them to have that extra significance.
Your blog is exemplary. x
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Francesca Milliken said:
Thank you for all your caring support, Kate. You are always so thoughtful and considerate. I agree that a wide range of comments is a given. So the way I see it, I either have to be prepared to tolerate all sorts of criticism about my deeply personal experiences, or I have to learn to talk about these issues without sharing those intimate stories and feelings. That’s where I’m getting stuck. I haven’t decided to do anything differently, but I still need to figure out what feels like a reasonable risk and what feels like it’s not worth the potential backlash.
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Raul Pacheco-Vega said:
I am just astonished at the negative comments I saw in the original post. Francesca, know that you’ve done so much to dispel the stigma of mental illness. Please do keep writing and please do remember that trolls will always exist, but you have tonnes of supporters and people who care for you and who learn from your blog always.
You’ve read all the other supportive comments, but I take Kate’s comment above even more at heart, because I follow Kate on Twitter and she is an amazing individual. So, do take heart in knowing that many people care about you and what you write and who you are.
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Francesca Milliken said:
You are very kind, Raul. I hope you are right about dispelling the stigma. I know you are right about Kate, though. She is “an amazing individual.” I don’t intend to stop writing. I do, however, need to think more carefully about the potential consequences of sharing my personal life so publicly. I’m just not sure how or if that changes things.
Best,
Francesca
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Quintin said:
I found your blog by reading the HP post, and you have both an insight and a way with words that is very impressive. I went back to the HP post and read the comments made by the person you reference in the article. It reminded me about something that happened to my Mom.
My Mom used to work at a place that was basically a community center for people with mental illness and mental / physical disabilities. She made some friends there, and after the place closed down, she stayed in touch with them. One night she was driving and she gets a phone call on her cell. She pulls over and it was one of the friends she made at the center. She was crying and insisting that her husband was trying to rape her, and wanted my Mom to call 911. She said she would and hung up. She was about to dial, but then sat and thought for a second. She knew her husband pretty well. Mom described him to me as “a really nice man who wouldn’t hurt a fly.” She also remembered that her friend sometimes thought people were threatening her when there really was no threat at all. Also, she clearly had a phone…what was preventing her from calling 911 herself? So, after sitting there a bit *trying* to calm down (imagine getting a call like that!) she decided not to call 911. The next day she made a point of talking to some people who knew her better and they all said that this would not be the first time she made that claim. They would call 911 as she asked them to only to find that nothing happened. My Mom and her friend talked about it and she said that she somehow gets the notion that her husband is trying to rape her in her head sometimes. Its part of her mental illness. Mom also has known people while working at the center who would lie to get help and / or attention.
I am not saying that the above applies to you Francesca. I just can’t help but wonder if the woman you mention had or knew someone that had a similar experience, and when she saw the word “psychiatrist”, something like the above is what came to her mind. We are all form perspectives from our life experiences and maybe that was hers. I hope she reads your post as it is a great response.
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rblackmon said:
I enjoyed reading your post, you are a wonderful writer. We all have experiences that is sometimes not easy to share with others, but I’m glad you shared your story and pain. I could relate…Keep writing…it’s not in vain.
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Francesca Milliken said:
I’m sorry it took me this long to respond to your kind words. I really do appreciate your message of support. I’ll try to do better expressing that in a timely matter if there is a next time.
Best,
Francesca
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rblackmon said:
It’s okay Francesca I know how busy life can get and be sometimes, Thanks for responding despite of it being a long time. That’s what counts. Have a Good Day!
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