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I’m in-between. I am resigned to the fact that killing myself would be abandoning my children. Full stop. But I cannot invest in being who I am right now. I am Not. Not what I like. Not where I want to be. Not who I hoped to become. Not me.
Much of the time, I may sound or look solid and together to many of the people around me, but I’m Not. It doesn’t make a difference, though, whether I am truly seen. Either way, I have to be and be Not. I must care for my children—nurture, shelter, and support them. They deserve that at the very least. They didn’t choose to have me. I chose to have them. I don’t want them to be without their mother for the rest of their lives, but if their mother is still alive, but not, is that really a whole lot better?
So I’m in-between. I used to know the fancy word that described this place. Not that long ago, it came to mind effortlessly. Now it’s gone, but I’m still here. Not knowing and in-between. Not. Whenever I have to face myself—truly see who I am—I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, to stop myself from self-destruction. It feels like I’m trying to race past the scary ogre under the bridge, and there is no other path to take. Even though I know I am the monster (the Not me), I don’t control her. She controls me.
The Not Me 
So beautifully written and with raw honesty that few would dare to reveal. I admire your courage so much and miss being with you in MD. Sasha
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Sasha, your support means so much to me. When our kids were little, I was always floored by your diligent, thoughtful and fully-invested mothering. It’s been far too long. I miss you too.
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You have provided a beautiful, poetic description of an illness / process / emotion impossible to pin down and describe. As the child of a mother who committed suicide, I hope and pray you can find the strength to hang in there. A mother who is alive, even detached or “not,” is still so much better. As a mother who also suffers from depression, all I can say is that I too have experienced something similar. I hope you find moments of rest and peace.
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Anita, thank you. Those two small words can seem insignificant and trite, but I mean them in all the ways that are true and dear. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for being a mother who is making her way as best she can, despite all of her struggles (both current and past). Thank you for your strength.
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Saying it out loud is half the battle. We are all multiples of ourselves. We choose which one gets fed. Deprive the ogre of his meals. I look forward to following your posts.
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Kevin, you were the one who suggested I blog over a year ago. I didn’t have the guts then and I couldn’t imagine having that kind of confidence. Now, I have to admit that your belief in the possibility was more valuable than you can know. Thank you.
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If it was about luck, I would wish it for you, but as you know its about choice. It seems you have made the best one.
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Francesca, I am very proud of you to have the courage to open up…let the pen flow, let the beauty and the sorrows of life flow through you, through that tiny tip…the blog is fantastic and I will visit often.
I have been where you have been, it is a very heavy, dark and confusing place. Many other people have been there too…But you know what, there is a way out…it is through that tiny point of a pen. Trust and write and draw…don’t stop…move forward slow or fast…but move that pen! A lot of love and courage to you, you are wonderful writer and artist and I admire you.
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Liselott, thank you for all your support. You are one of the people at AIB who was really encouraging me to use words in my work. Somehow, despite my stubborn disbelief, I heard you. You are the wonderful one.
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Francesca, as I read all of what you said, I kept seeing our exhibits next to each other. I loved having that wolf there, dangerous and foreboding and yet….something else as well. I couldn’t explain it then, but if I had known then what I know now, I would have been able to name at least some of it. As the child of a severely depressed mother, I was often brought to the edge of that abyss, pulled into a very dark and scary world by her. As an only child I was the ballast nearest at hand, I guess. In the end, she somehow or other survived herself, even in her Notness. And miraculously so did I–which I think is what I saw in your work.
I hope you keep writing. I think that those of us reading would dispute your claim that you’re not a writer (or an artist, although I so resonate with that). You’ve evoked such passionate and honest responses that although you might not identify with that designation, it is a fair description of your skill at laying out the questions–as are your drawings. So I hope that you can get some comfort from your drawings, as well. And along with others, I send love and strength and courage to you in whatever proportions you need them.
And thank you Kevin for planting the seed. We never know when we may be entertaining angels unaware.
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Jill, thank you for talking about your mother and for being her “ballast”. Your photographs are filled with tenderness and appreciation for others, and actually, as I read your comments, I was moved by your compassion too. That is a gift.
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The courage to write and confront this is amazing. I applaud you and hope like other great writers you find a way through using this medium. In having some friends with depression I realize it is a hard and ongoing struggle. Your words, although painful, are beautiful. Writing IS an act, an art, and connection. I hope all of this does not sound trite. I feel for you deeply. Although I only met briefly with you, I was impressed with your kindness, knowledge, and abilities. We are all groping in the dark, some feel it more than others, so deeply so, they can not move on. Continue to write. I too admire you.
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Margaret, Your words do not sound trite at all. I really appreciate your point about writing as an act of art and connection. I want to believe in that wholeheartedly. Thank you for all your kindness.
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Francesca, Hello there doll face. I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. However, I think in one point of another it is very human. You are just brave about to talk about it. Your work always spoke to me, as your talent is an inspiration and the voice that resonated through your drawings were always compelling to me. Please contact me any time, if I can be of any help at all. With all my love and support…miss you lots!
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Ya, Thank you for saying that my artwork spoke to and inspired you. That means a lot coming from a talented painter like yourself. I genuinely appreciate your support.
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Please keep writing and drawing, Francesca. You are a wonderful artist! Thank you for sharing this. Love.
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Holly, It is so great to hear from you. You are a wonderful mentor and friend. As always thank you for your heartfelt support.
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Very powerful Francesca. I remember having many similar thoughts during a brutal legal fight years ago . It’s definitely helpful to open up and your words resonate. I love you and hope you continue writing and get the support you need.
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Shea, You are such a thoughtful, sensitive person, having your support really matters to me. Thank you for saying that my words resonate. I hope I can continue to write in way that people can understand.
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Reblogged this on Stigmama.
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During my last seriously suicidal period I got to the point where I actually resented my family and friends because I couldn’t kill myself for their sake. It didn’t feel fair that I couldn’t do the only thing I had left to stop the pain just because of what it would do to them.
If not for one of my closest friends getting in contact with me and demanding that I went and stayed with them I know I would have wound up homeless. I felt like I was out of energy and out of options.
Keep in mind – These thoughts aren’t really yours. They’re not real thoughts to begin with, they’re just a symptom of a malfunctioning brain and you shouldn’t put ANY stock in them at all.
I hope you feel better soon,
H&J
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H&J,
Thank you for reading this post and for sharing some of your experiences with depression. Your encouragement is also nice to hear. I’m glad to know that someone was able to help you and that you are doing better now.
All the best,
Francesca
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